I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize