It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
the liver wants what the liver wants
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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