I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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