I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
