i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
