I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
