I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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