I'm gonna have a badass scar
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
