i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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