i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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