Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
