I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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