the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I want her autograph on my taint
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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