my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
