Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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