Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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