Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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