He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize