Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
