Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
