is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
