The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize