You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
