I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
