if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
