We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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