I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You dont lie about slip and slides
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
