If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
