dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
