Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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