I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
