I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
