How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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