Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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