Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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