One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
