Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
