I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Who died my cat blue again?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
