I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
