i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
