I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
