What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
