Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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