Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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