stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
