You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
