I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
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