That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
