Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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