I'm lost and stupid without you.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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