He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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