I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize