Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
