Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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