I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
