I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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