i think i have two assholes
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
These tits shall not be calmed
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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