Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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