am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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