So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
