Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
