Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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