im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
