Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
