I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
