I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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